Alreet?
I've had one little fucker of a fortnight. 2 weeks ago on my drive into work I was merrily chugging along, not really paying much attention (it was 7am, sue me) and singing along to Spandau Ballet on the radio. My car still has a cassette player so I'll take what I'm given!
Anywho, I started to go down a long, windy and very narrow country lane when I noticed there was a cyclist in front of me. Then suddenly there were 2 cyclists in front of me. And instead of 2 lanes, there were 4! Exciting stuff right? Erm, no. I was seeing double of EVERYTHING more than 10 yards ahead of me. I was already halfway to work and found that if I closed one eye, the double vision went away. So I drove on to work, rang the doctors, and my boss took me for an emergency appointment.
After spending 6 hours in eye casualty (which I had no idea existed) I was eventually told - Yes you have double vision. No we don't know why. No we can't offer any treatment. Come back on Friday for an MRI.
Awesome.
They also dilated my pupils and neglected to mention that the minute I stepped outside the hospital I would feel like the sun was burning out my retinas. So that was cool.
Long and short of it - I couldn't walk anywhere because walking made me feel queasy. I obviously couldn't drive. I couldn't look at computer screens (and thus couldn't go to work - poor me...) and I couldn't work out!!!
I've just slaved for 3 months with a personal trainer, been referred to several doctors for eating problems, and eventually got around to losing 2 stone and feeling healthier than I've felt in years.
Over the past two weeks, I have put back on one of those stones. I am so, so pissed off. Luckily my vision is getting back to normal but I'm feeling so bummed that one time in 3 years I've actually had the motivation and inspiration to really do something for me, my body decides it'll throw me a spectacular curveball. I can't blame my eyes for everything obviously, but being miserable and ill made me regress to the person who eats her feelings and mega-binges, just to feel something other than fed up.
I am so tired of this cycle =( I have an appointment tomorrow with an eating disorder assessor, who thinks I may have binge eating disorder. Yes, this is a real disorder! Google it bitches. I looked it up and I have to say it sounds a lot like me.
There's two forms of treatment - anti depressants or CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I really hope that if I am diagnosed, they recommend me CBT. The way I view food and my relationship with it stinks. If I can see someone who might be able to make me change this relationship and the underlying reasons why I binge, I'm all for it. I'm a little worried and also a little excited.
I am however, going to feel a right dick walking into an eating disorder centre at 17 stone.
Sorry for the rant. I haven't told my friends about this and my bf only knows a little, because I'm ashamed and because I just try to push things like this to the back of my mind.
Update soon!
xxx
