Long time no blog!

Hello chaps!

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in forever. I don't even have the excuse that I've been busy. I've just been lazy - like really fucking lazy.

I've started a full time job recently, and I'm the happiest I've been in quite a long while. Guess what the main thing holding me back from being truly happy is though? I'll give you one clue.



Did you get it?

Course you fucking did. I am so utterly, completely, exhaustedly fed up of being a fatty fatty bum bum. I haven't weighed myself this week because it's been manic. I went to the Harry Potter premiere (which was AMAZING, the film is brilliant), I went shopping in London, and I went to see Less Than Jake last night. It was a fantastic week, marred only by the fact that almost everywhere I went, and during every cool thing I did, I felt cripplingly self conscious.

I've forgotten what it's like to walk into a pub and think that blokes might be turning round to look at you because you're hot. Immediately my brain goes "they're laughing at me". It's a horrible way to live. I've spent way too long just ignoring my problem, or only getting so far and then giving up. Why am I stopping myself enjoying the best years of my life for the sake of a burger and a pack of dairy milk? It's ridiculous!

I'm going to change - I have to change. Not just for a week, or a month, or even a year. It's got to be for the rest of my life, and it's got to be now.

The gym, blogging, life...and Flight of the Conchords

I've really fallen off the horse blogging wise. Like Victoria at LilylovesLola I feel like no one's reading or caring! And it's a lot easier to feel like that with 24 followers as opposed to 800+ haha.

But as I read back through my earlier posts I realised that blogging was always primarily for me - to keep me focused on my weightloss journey, to articulate how I'm feeling and thinking and to get support from other girls going through similar things. I need to keep my blog going because it inspires and motivates me - whether anyone's reading or not!

So, I started my weight loss journey on here at 17 stone and 12 pounds. I have never weighed that much before and I never want to weigh that much ever, ever again.

I joined the gym with my friend Michelle (who is incredibly motivated, incredibly fit, and goes to the gym 5 days a week) so that I could start exercising and feeling fit and healthy again. Eating well seems to only go so far for me - unless I have the exercise sorted, it's very easy to slip back into the old ways.

So I went for my induction with a fitness trainer who took my current weight as being 16 stone and 7 pounds. So I've lost nearly a stone and a half since the WLC challenge began =) Very pleased with that! Anyway, he drew me up a fitness programme which to me seems very low impact and tame - I don't know if it's because I'm used to killing myself with the Shred but it didn't seem like I'd be working out for long enough, or hard enough! However, he's the expert so I guess I'll put my faith in him...

He also said that I should aim to eat about 6 small meals a day, having carbs for breakfast then slowly weaning them out throughout the course of the day until the evening, where I shouldn't have any. I actually think this is extremely sensible and makes a lot of sense - I feel like a twat for not thinking of it before. Carbs in the morning will naturally be burnt off during the course of the day, and eating so often will ensure my metabolism stays working constantly. I'm really excited to see how I take to this way of eating.

I went to see Flight of the Conchords at Wembley Arena on Tuesday night and they were AMAZING. If you've never heard of them or watched their show before, I can't recommend them enough. I am oddly attracted to Jemaine...which is weird as I don't normally go for massive lips and giant lapels.



I noticed that Cat has got back on Weight Watchers and Charlotte is posting some really motivating stuff on her blog. Hopefully all us girls can feel a little bit better about ourselves this summer, knowing we're really trying to make a change because we all deserve it.

xxx

WLC Update - please read WLC girls!

I've had a shitter of a week where everything that could've gone wrong has. I've been getting upset about my ex best friend and feeling like a big fat failure again.



But for once, I've stepped back and noticed what it's been doing to me - mentally and physically.

Feeling unhappy has caused me to binge eat and let my room get in a massive state.

Letting my room get into a state has left my thoughts feeling muddled and messy whenever I'm alone.

My thoughts being muddled has caused me to slip back into thinking about my ex best friend and how much she hurt me and how angry I am.

These thoughts made me feel incredibly apathetic and unmotivated, so I didn't even think about doing exercise.

I just got more and more down, and binged more and more, and ignored the fact that I was setting myself up for failure once again.

But I've also had something of a revelation over the past few days. I looked back over my life and thought about times when I'd been really happy. These times had always been when I was in the process of losing weight. The times when I'd felt saddest and bad things had happened invariable coincided with massive weight gains.

The point of this post is because I think everyone should appreciate how important it is to make yourself happy and put yourself first - especially when you're trying to lose weight. You CAN NOT lose weight from a place of self-loathing. You can only lose it when you're proud of yourself for choosing to make the change, and when you have realised that you are, in fact, worthy of the trouble. You deserve to be the best you can be.



With that, my challenge this week for WLC girls is this -

Do something this week which you know will make you happier. It could be something small like treating yourself to a new nail polish, or something bigger like taking a long walk with yourself, or something massive like looking for a new flat or buying a new pet! Just do something that will make you feel better about yourself, and tell me what you've done and why it's going to make you that little bit happier.


I'm joining the gym tomorrow because I fully feel it will bring me out of my slump. I can't wait to feel the endorphins kick in and feel energised and excited about continuing my weight loss journey.

Good luck everybody and keep smiling =)

WLC girls - what's occuring?

Hey ladies,

Sadly as we all know Cat is mega weighed down with uni work, being an awesome make-up artist etc and can't really keep the WLC going at the moment. Do people still want to keep going on with it though? I have lost my mojo big time from getting a chest infection and it really upsets me that I can't seem to get myself back on the horse. If people still wanted to do the WLC (and if Cat was okay with it) I'd be more than happy to take over 'til she has the time and energy to do it again. I've got some ideas up my sleeve if people are interested - and if anyone else wanted to start doing it that'd be great too. Don't want to step on anyone's toes though - so Cat if you're not happy with this let me know.

What does everyone think? I feel like Fat Bastard right now =(

Six short film reviews =)

Fantastic Mr Fox

This was an absolutely brilliant film. The animation and effects were very quirky and the voices were superb. I especially loved Jason Schwartzman. It’s more adult than it’s given credit for too. Roald Dahl was never happy with any of the film adaptations of his books but I think in this case, he would’ve been delighted. In my opinion, this was better than Up and should’ve got the Oscar.



Crazy Heart

Jeff Bridges has been long deserving of an Oscar but I wouldn’t say this was the best film he’s ever been in. It is a good film though – sort of a fictional Walk the Line – with Colin Farrell taking a back seat and delivering a relaxed, comfortable performance as support. Maggie Gyllenhaal as ever was charming and sweet, but portrayed a character with a lot of depth expertly. Bridges is of course the star, and rightly so – Bridges is, as Empire Magazine puts it, “an acting GOD”.



Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

This was so much better than the trailer made it look, and I’m pretty pissed with myself that I didn’t get to see it in 3D at the cinema! It’s hilarious, with perfect timing and brilliant voices. I preferred Fantastic Mr Fox by a smidgen of an inch, but this film definitely contends with Up. It’s not as moving but definitely as funny, if not funnier. It’s the little touches that make Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs so good, and it’s well worth a watch.



Youth In Revolt

This was a strange film about coming of age and falling madly, blindly in love for the first time. It starred Michael Cera in a role fairly different to those he usually plays. I didn’t think it was fantastic but I did enjoy it. It’s just a bit too sombre for the subject matter, with not enough laughs. That said, Michael Cera is finally coming into his own. I can’t wait to see him in Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. It’s going to be AMAZING.



Where the Wild Things Are

Oh my God; this film was fantastic. It was brilliant to see something so original and unique. I was wondering how they were going to adapt this children’s book and they did a bang-up job. It’s laden with metaphor and allegory without spoon feeding it to the audience – if you’ve got half a brain you will love this film. It’s so thought-provoking and layered it brought me to tears at one point. I think depending on your own experiences with your family, it might get weeping you too.



Paranormal Activity

I still can’t sleep without the light on. Paranormal Activity was incredibly scary to me as I have an overactive imagination. As most of the action occurs in the bedroom (sounds a little like I’m reviewing a porno) it’s made me feel paranoid and gets my heart racing in the middle of the night whenever I start thinking about it. I think it’s a very good film, making great use of the new genre of “hand-held” filming. Obviously, if you’re not scared of ghosts or demons etc you won’t find this film frightening. But seeing it in the cinema it was amazing to feel the tense atmosphere every time night drew around and the familiar bedroom came back on screen. You could feel the whole audience just waiting for something to happen, and by the end I literally had to cover my eyes – something I’ve never, ever done before in the cinema. Not even when I was watching Basic Instinct 2.

New Shoesss!

The boyfriend bought me some shoes I've had my eye on for ages. I know they're really not to everyone's taste but I <3 them. They're called Zombie Stompers and they're by Iron Fist. Can't wait to wear these bad boys out and fall over A LOT.

WLC Week 13 and my blog innit =D

Hello peeps!

I don't think anyone else has done a WLC post this week, which leads me to believe the same thing happened to all of us - EASTER.



I had 5 days off over easter, by which point my health and fitness levels plummeted, and I just wanted to keep eating chocolate.

I'm sorting myself out tonight, properly tidying my bedroom, sorting out my clothes etc. Not even going to bother stepping on the scales, as I know it'll just depress me. I'm going for it from tomorrow - I'm going to shred everyday, and go for a walk everyday. I'm going to stick religiously to my eating plan. I've even looked up swimming pool times (a ridiculously scary prospect for me, still weighing in at 16 and a half stone).

I hope all the other girlies will be back posting for week 14 as I've missed everyone!

I posted the other day about my film review blog. I know not everyone's into that shizzle but I'm going to post my 6 quick film reviews on here I think. I see a film every week and I think I might start posting shorter reviews on here when I don't have to time to post a big one to my main film blog. What do peoples think? I'd really appreciate your opinion.

Thanks! Hope everyone had a lovely weekend in the sunshine :D

Hi, I'm Catrin

Never in my life have I been: completely happy with the way I look.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: my little sister. She can press my buttons like no one else.

High school: was awful, I'm so glad I don't see any of those people any more.

When I'm nervous: I never get nervous. The one time I did get nervous was on my driving test. So I guess, when I'm nervous...I get 5 Majors :/ hehehe.

The last song I listened to was: Elbow - One Day Like This. Current favourite =)

If I were to get married right now my maid of honour would be: my best friend Lauren who I've recently realised is the most loyal friend I could ever ask for <3

My hair is: temperamental and takes forever to dry. But I do love it, deep down.

When I was 5: I trod on the grill of a hot bbq to see what it would feel like. It hurt.

Last Christmas: I did pretty well for a 22 year old with stingy relatives!

I should be: having dinner but I can't be bothered to move. I should also be reviewing Whip It and Clash of the Titans.

The happiest recent event was: hearing that Lauren is back next weekend yey!

By this time next year: I'll hopefully be back living in London and working for a publishing house.

There's this girl I know that: is the most self-righteous, fake, selfish dickhead ever.

I like you when: you are honest, truthful, and challenge me.

The world could do without: jealousy and chavs.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: Some Dvds from play (role models, 30 day shred, 500 days of summer) and a t-shirt from Grindstore =D

Most recent thing someone else bought me: a Lindt bunny from my bf.

My middle name is: Hannah.

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: pandas.

Once, at a bar: I asked for a pint of absinthe. I meant a shot.

Last night I was: finding it impossible to sleep.

There's this guy I know who: ate 35 tollhouse cookies in one sitting.

Tomorrow I am: feeling happy because I have no work! And sorting my room out.

Tonight I am: being very lazy and loving it.

My birthday is: 29th July.

WLC Week 12

Only as I typed in the title did I realise we're at the end =( Boo! I really hope Cat extends the challenge as it helps me out so much with keeping focused =)

I have lost another 2lbs this week; slow and steady seems to do it for me. Chocolate Friday has kept me on track through the week - I seriously think I would've cracked and binged massively if I didn't know that I had a treat coming at the end of the week.

The shred is getting loads easier, but still makes me sweat like Ted from Scrubs. I'm still really enjoying doing it and the dream jeans nearly fit! They do up but I have a lovely muffin top currently which I need to be getting rid of.

Generally though I'm very happy, really feel at peace with my diet and weight loss currently...and can't wait to bite the bum off my Lindt bunny on Sunday =D



I hope everyone has a brilliant Easter.

WLC Week 11 - Shredding, Biggest Loser, and Chocolate Friday!

Hello lovelies!

I've had a pretty good week this week. I've lost 3 lbs, and on Monday I started doing Jillian Michael's 30 Day shred, which of course everyone's talking about. Last Friday I decided that maybe Friday would be the day each week that I'd allow myself a little treat, and it's really worked. All this week when I've felt like I could absolutely die for some chocolate, I've been able to tell myself I only have to wait til (Chocolate) Friday.

Now, the Shred. The first day I did this workout, I thought I was going to die. I've always thought that while not being great at cardio, I was pretty strong.




Nope.

I don't have any 1kg weights at home, so had to use 3kg weights. As someone who's asthmatic, pretty out of shape and has huge annoying boobies, I found it pretty damn hard going. I did have to stop more times than was necessary, and had to swap my 3kg weights for tins of beans at certain points! The next day I could barely move, let alone climb the stairs.



However, I've soldiered on. I love Jillian Michaels, I love the shred, and I think it's a brilliant workout. I don't know that I'll ever get to level 2 though! I love how you can feel your muscles getting tighter, and your body changing even after only one week of working out.

I've also started downloading an old series of US Biggest Loser (series 4 I think). I'm finding it so inspirational watching them lose weight week to week, and seeing how hard the contestants work and taking in all the trainers' tips. It's really helping me keep motivated.

And now, Cat's challenge is to post some pictures of thinspiration. I can't ever imagine myself wearing a bikini, or looking as slim as a lot of the other girls have posted. So, with that in mind, I'm going to post some before and after pictures of some of the contestants on The Biggest Loser, so I can remind myself that anything's possible.







Now that's what I call thinspiration =) I've lost 1 stone 4lbs so far, and have no intention of stopping. Thank you so much Cat for the WLC!

WLC Week 10

I am so relieved. I wasn't even going to post this week as I was so annoyed with myself for slipping up yet AGAIN. I noticed last wednesday that I had really shakey hands and decided the best thing for it (or, the little man in my head who loves chocolate decided) was to eat 2 chocolate bars and a bag of crisps at work. Then on Friday night a dominoes pizza. Large. To myself.

If I was doing any other diet, I wouldn't have to chastise myself quite as much, but the whole point of what I'm doing is to not eat sugar or carbohydrate! As i've learnt in the past, my body is fairly intolerant to wheat, and I can put on 4lbs overnight if I eat a slice of bread. So why the hell do I still do it?

Anyway, couldn't face weighing in on monday. But did start afresh, put all the failure behind me, and now it's thursday. So I hopped on the scales, expecting a pretty massive gain.

I've lost another 1lb! And since my last weigh in, that's 5lbs. I am so thankful I managed to get myself motivated again.

So altogether on the WLC I have lost 15lbs =) Yey! Thank you Cat for the very supportive email, and thank you Charlotte for making me realise it was stupid to avoid the scales.

As for the challenges, well, if I post my food diary, you will all think I'm a disgusting gluttonous blob of yuck. So we'll forget that. I know what I ate that was bad, and I know what I should be eating. It was useful to me to see the sheer quantities of food I eat when I binge written down, but while I'm happy disclosing my weight I can't stand how greedy it makes me look on paper.

Cat's challenge this week:
This weeks challenge is to tell me 3 things you think have changed about yourself since you started the challenge, they can be physical or mental or anything you want!!

1. I have more confidence, despite times when I've fucked up, I know that I'm not going back to what I was. It makes me feel 100 times better in myself.

2. I have noticed my clothes getting much baggier, so have invested in some perfect jeans from Dorothy Perkins to slim into. Hopefully they will fit me within the next couple of weeks =)

3. I have got my head around exercise finally, have started going for walks. My breathing has levelled out and I can easily walk the block now (bout a mile and a half) without needing my inhaler. It feels brilliant to have so much more energy.

Oh and thanks for the advice for the interview guys! I think it went pretty well- should hear back today or tomorrow.

WLC Week 9

Ooooh. It's all my fault.

I'm going to have a grumble in this post. Mainly about myself and my so-called willpower.



I have been sticking religiously, unconditionally to this diet. I was really pleased with my initial weight loss in the first 2 weeks (12lbs). However, I think losing so much so quickly made me complacent.

I was basically jumping on the scales every morning in week 9 and feeling totally frustrated when nothing was coming off.

So, on Saturday, when I was still 16 stone 12 in the morning (and grossly hungover) I just thought "Fuck it!". That evening I had a curry, naan bread, rice, maltesers and sweet popcorn. Even as I was eating it I could feel my stomach expand, felt all my hard work going to waste, and yet I kept eating and had more.

It's times like these that really scare me. I am so unhappy with my weight. So desperate to get it off. Yet I'll stuff my face the minute I feel a tinge of weakness. What's wrong with me? I didn't even attempt to fight the craving, I was just like "Yes, I'm doing it, I want to do it."

Thankfully, the next day I managed to pick up my diet (somehow). I am doing a high protein, low carb diet. It's what has always worked for me in the past and I generally enjoy doing it and find it the most effective way for me to lose weight. I guess I felt disillusioned that I'd not lost up until Saturday morning (though actually, I think it came off in inches), and just felt like giving up.

So, overnight, I managed to put on 4lbs. Getting on the scales yesterday morning I was relieved to see I'd already got rid of 2lbs, which puts Week 9 at a gain of 2lbs. Hopefully by Friday it will have levelled out.

I've got a job interview Friday - how do you guys normally dress for interviews? It's in an office, not really really professional but I think I'll need to be looking smart. And how do you guys normally do your makeup for interviews? I feel like my usual is too much, but I'll feel less confident without it.

Hope everyone did better than me this week!

WLC Week 8

I have had a very good week. I've lost 5lbs this week, which means on this WLC I have now lost a stone! I'm extremely pleased and can't thank Cat and all you girls enough for all your support.

Like others, I was upset to see Cat's post as I'm so grateful to her for starting this WLC. I'm not going to brown nose, but she genuinely is the reason I've lost that weight. I'd probably be sitting here eating a panda-sized bar of chocolate right now if it wasn't for her.

This weeks challenge - I took part in the WLC so I could finally get rid of weight I've been trying to shift for years. I signed up because I thought it was a brilliant idea and seemed like it would be fun. Guess what? It is. I'm immensely proud of myself for sticking with it and losing a stone. I hope by week 12 I'll be down 2 stones and well on my way to being my target weight. I never would've done this without the WLC.

I'm late with the challenge for Week 7. I get rid of cravings by using a technique I
learned about from Paul Mckenna - the tapping technique. It completely works. You look like a complete twat doing it, but it completely works. Excuse the shitty video, I have no idea where that massive green chunk came from.

ps - There's a really good website called fitday.com, free to join, where you put in your current weight and your goal weight, and it tells you how much you'd have to lose a week to achieve that goal within a time-frame you determine. I'm finding it very motivational updating it each week.



Oh and one more thing! I have a film blog too that I'd really love your feedback on if you're interested in that sort of thing, or just want to tell me I'm wrong! www.cynicismcubed.blogspot.com =)

WLC Week 7

I know I said Tuesday was going to be my posting day, but in the book I've been doing the diet from it says to weigh yourself on the 7th day of the diet. So I have! And I've lost half a stone =) I am very pleased, but felt a little disheartened at first, because in the couple of weeks where i was unfocused I put some weight back on. If I hadn't, I would've been under 17st today and that would've been so ace. However, I firmly believe that I will be under 17st next Monday, and I will be annoyingly happy!

During the week I went for 2 half an hour walks. I know that isn't enough but the weather was severely rough. I found out how horribly unfit I am on these walks, too. I suffer from athsma but when I keep my weight down it actively gets better. So I'm walking along in the cold, and after about 2 minutes my pump stops working, and I actively have to focus on my breathing for the next 10 minutes of my walk, just to make sure I don't have an athsma attack! And that's just walking. It really made me realise though - I've been sacrificing feeling well, and feeling happy, for a few slices of pizza and a bar of chocolate. It's mental. Once the endorphins kicked in and my breathing steadied, I felt miles better, and I'm actually upset that it's raining today so I can't go for a walk! I've felt happier than I have in ages this last week, and it's because I'm finally taking control of my life and sticking to it =)

I think I'll do a video to explain how the diet works, but I am looking a right state because I watched The Notebook last night then fell asleep without taking my makeup off. Cue Panda + Alice Cooper eyes. Oh and crazy hair. Can't forget the crazy hair.




I'll definitely make a video, in fact, because I've just realised I'm posting before Cat so I don't have a challenge! A lot of girls have been posting their celebrity inspirations - mine has always been Kate Winslet. She's beautiful, witty, curvy in all the right places, and whether she's size 12 or size 8 she always looks amazing.



Good luck to everyone this week. =)

xxx

WLC Week 6 - Aaaand I'm back in the game =)

Hello peoples! Sorry for my extremely depressing rant a few days ago. I think sometimes you need to hit the bottom before you can start climbing back up again.

I had a good long talk with my mum, who is just like me in terms of eating, exercise etc. We slagged off my crap friend for a while which was ace, and then we decided on a plan of action.

You'll probably find me ridiculous, chopping and changing all the time, but slimming world's out of the window. I think it was TOO structured for me! I was too bothered by all the rules to really get into the swing of it, then I'd just eat loads and feel bad. Not cool.

So, I'm starting the system that I lost 4 stone on when I was 20. I feel so positive about it. I've been doing it for 2 days and I already feel brilliant, loads more energised, loads happier, and loads more motivated.

Thanks so much to Lisa and Lucy for the kind words earlier in the week, which reminds me...the challenge from last week! The WLC has made me feel many things! It feels brilliant to be part of a group of so many nice girls, some of whom are sooo supportive and lovely. It's amazing to know there's always someone out there to give some support or advice. Also, it's given me a kick up the arse, even when I have a bad week, I'm still focused on the WLC. It's because I can't stand to let Cat down and not post! When I think of all the effort she's put in, I'm quite incredulous that a few people never even got past their first post. Obviously I understand family matters, problems in your life etc, or even if you're just skinny and don't actually need to do it. But I am so grateful to her for sticking with us!

And this weeks challenge, what has the WLC taught me? It's taught me that I can motivate myself and that I can dig myself out of holes. The most important thing I've learnt though is that I think my weight actually reflects my whole outlook on life...when I'm slimmer, I feel like I can do anything. When I'm massive like I am now, I just don't feel like I could ever move back to London, or get a good job, or anything, because I feel trapped by my weight. But no more! Now I've realised that it's what's getting me down, it's given me even more motivation to lose it.

I won't be weighing in this week as I started the new plan 2 days ago, so I'll weigh in next Tuesday, and that will be my blogging day from now on =)

xxxx

Self-pitying ramble. Feel free to ignore.

I'm annoyed with myself that I haven't posted a WLC post this week. Fact is, I've lost my motivation. Seemingly for everything. I am SO fed up. I've got a degree, and I work a job a 17 year old could do. I've wanted to lose weight ever since I was 16, and I keep fucking it up. Oh, and my best friend doesn't even seem to want to know me anymore.

It's the thing with my best friend that hurts me the most, and makes me the most apathetic. Where originally it made me feel angry, and thankfully I turned that anger into motivation, now I just feel upset and kind of listless. How do I summon up any kind of self worth to change myself if someone I've known for 10 years decides I'm not worth bothering with, and that she'd rather spend all her time with her boyfriend and new friends? I feel like I'm just not a good enough person to want to change myself, because she's made me feel that way. Maybe I should just climb in the fridge and stay there.

I feel all this desire to change my eating habits, change my lifestyle, but then I just seem to sink back into the same bad routine every time. I can't seem to keep up a diet any longer than a month without cracking. And for what? It's just food. Just something that tastes nice, that lasts a minute and then it's gone. So why do I stop myself being happy just for a bite of chocolate or a slice of pizza? It makes NO sense. When my motivation's up, the little voice in my head is deafened by my common sense and willpower, and I can say no to just about anything. Then as the weeks go by my resolve weakens, and the little voice in my head that tells me to eat all the fecking time seems to be deafening.

I realise that last paragraph made me sound a little bit mental. I don't have mental problems, I hope everyone understood what I meant by the little voice in my head. The part of me that essentially, doesn't give a shit, and just wants chocolate.

And my degree! I have a 2:1 from a London University, and because Uni made me so poor and I graduated in a recession in June etc I'm working 22 and a half hours a week for the government, ringing people up to do shitty surveys, being supervised by people who definitely don't have degrees and definitely won't ever leave this town. I miss London so badly - the buzz, the fact there's always something going on or something new to see. I miss walking through the streets and feeling completely at home. Can't stand the small-town mentality of where I live. 10% of people in my town voted BNP last election. That's how ignorant the people who live around me are.

But as the months have gone on, my will to change things, my will to get back to London and start a real career...well it just seems to ebb away every day I don't get away from this place. Every day I don't lose weight. And every day my best friend doesn't want to know me.

Something's got to change but for the life of me, I don't know how to do it and I don't know what to do. All I know is I'm sad, and I'm not used to being sad. Sorry for being so negative and self-involved. Sometimes I just have to write stuff down, and I'm afraid I don't have anywhere else to do it. Hope everyone has a lovely day.

WLC Week 4 - Brought to you by the words "meh", and "geh", and the number 2.

First things first, I have had a crap, unproductive week. Me and the boyfriend nearly broke up, AGAIN, because he was going through my phone while I was out of the room. I didn't eat loads but I didn't eat great things, and I felt pretty sure I'd put on weight. And I have.

Only 2lbs, which at my size isn't a lot, but it still makes me feel a bit meh. I've decided I need a little more structure with what I eat, so today, finally getting a burst of motivation, I looked out my old slimming world books. I've always thought slimming world was the best weightloss class around, having tried weightwatchers, cambridge diet, rosemary conley etc and not being able to imagine doing them long term. Slimming world doesn't forbid anything (much like weightwatchers), but the science behind slimming world is what gives me great faith in it. It's mainly concerned with how you mix your proteins and carbohydrates, and essentially seperates them into different days. You can still have small amounts of protein on carb days, and vice versa though.

So, yeah. I looked out my old slimming world books, went through them for at least an hour, and compiled SEVERAL lists. 2 pages to remind me of the rules for different days. A shopping list for each week. And 2 pages of meals I could make for breakfasts, lunches and dinners. Like I said, I need structure. I'm not a particularly organised person generally but I really wish I was. So I have these little spells of perfectionism. Geh.



I didn't manage to do Cat's challenge this week and I'm bummed out about it. I have no motivation or inspiration =( It's my own fault and I need to give myself a kick up the backside but I'm finding it hard. How do you all motivate yourselves to get up and exercising? If you've got any words of advice I would be very very grateful for them.

As for the recipe challenge, I'm really sorry but I am THE most basic of chefs. I can cook all the usual things, but I don't want to patronise people by putting up a recipe of how to cook a spag bol or a baked potato...

Also, I just wanted to say thankyou for the big response to last week's post, in particular Cat's reply. He's been better this week as I think he's finally realised how unhappy being this size makes me. We'll see how it goes on.

Good luck to everyone for the next week!

A little inspiration for the WLC girls

Hey everyone, I just thought I'd share something I ripped out of a magazine about 2 years ago. I have no idea who said it, but every time I read it I feel a little better and a lot more motivated. Enjoy =)

"There's an old dutch proverb that goes, 'A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.' How many times have we thrown in the towel just because the weight didn't come off at the rate we would like? How often has bitter disappointment tormented us to the point of complete abandon? Think back to your own weight gain. Did you put on a pound a month? Did you have some months when you didn't gain anything and others where your weight went up by two or three pounds?

You probably don't know your rate of gain for sure because you weren't looking, you weren't monitoring closely, you weren't too concerned. So, that pound a month, which is nothing at all really, actually ended up with us about a stone heavier than we were a year before. Five years of that and there we are - five stone overweight!

Our problem now we've decided to lose weight is that suddenly we're very interested. Now we're monitoring closely. Now we're concerned. So high on my list of vital tools to help you succeed is patience. We need the patience to accept that losing a pound a week is extremely good going, and the patience to accept that some weeks it's OK to stand still and then lose a couple of pounds the week after. In fact, what we desperately need is patience with ourselves for not doing everything perfectly.

'Perfectionist thinking' is such a big stumbling block for so many of us. Instead of feeling good about every improvement we make, no matter how small, we kick ourselves because we feel we could have done better. So come on folks, give yourself a pat on the back. Congratulate yourself every time you break the habit of eating beyond fullness, everytime you skip dessert, or don't snack on crisps. These small changes are significant, important and praiseworthy.

There are some things I'd love to ban, and perfectionist thinking is certainly one of them. Guilt, blame, harmful anger, jealousy, pride - all these pile up to create a negative mind-set that damages our chances of losing weight.

So enjoy the journey, every step of it, every moment of the Big Dipper ride, the ups and downs. And let's keep in mind that when you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's too enjoy each step along the way."

WLC - Week 3

Hello everyone =)

This is my entry for week 3 of Cat's weightloss challenge.

I've had an extremely up and down week. The eating hasn't gone great, mainly due to the fact me and my boyfriend nearly split up, then spent the whole weekend together comfort eating. Fabulous. I almost feel trapped when I'm at his house - like I have to eat everything his Mum puts in front of me because otherwise it's rude, right? But the thing I really dislike is that now I've come to associate going to his house/hanging around with him, to eating bad food. It was one of the reasons we nearly broke up, because while I've been going out with him I have put on 4 stone. I know I can't blame him for it, but he doesn't exactly try to help me lose it. Sometimes I feel like he likes me being big because then no one else will fancy me. Paranoid? Probably.

So, I approached the scales yesterday morning very warily. I'd had 2 kfc meals, 2 big bars of chocolate, a donut and probably some more crap this weekend. I really tried to make up for it on Monday and Tuesday, and was relieved (and utterly astonished) to see that I'd lost 1lb. Not great for my size, but still, a weight loss is better than a gain!

I really don't think I would've stuck with it this long if I didn't have the challenge, so thanks again to the wonderful Cat for arranging this, and taking the time to care about 20 or so other people. Some of you girls are really really helping me pick myself up as well with your comments, so another little thanks to Charlotte, Lucy and Rebecca. It's great to see (nearly) everyone still doing the challenge and doing so well!

I love Cat's challenge this week as exercise is something I've really been putting off. Yesterday I did lots of time on the Wii, using Just Dance and Wii Fit Plus, and I felt so much better afterwards. My other activity will be to walk for at least half an hour, as before I got my car I used to love walking.

That's that for now, I hope everyone has a brilliant week, and well done to Lisa for losing 9lbs last week!

xxx

My Favourite Things

Sorry to divert from the usual weightloss gubbins but I'm in a self indulgent mood =) Stole this from DangerouslyBeauty's blog, and if I knew how to link to it, I would've.

Colour - I really love blue. I get really jealous of girls with blue eyes and I'm always attracted more to guys with blue eyes. I think they are so stunning. Blue doesn't look great on me but I still love to wear it. I also like it because I think it's a summery colour, and it reminds me of blue skies and blue oceans.



Animal - I am a big cat person. I even have a cat tattoo. Appropriate eh? A friend asked me if I'd got it to remind myself of my name when I get too drunk. As it's on the back of my neck, I don't think it'd be much help...




Band - My favourite band is The Eels. Not many people seem to know them, but if I played you one of their tracks you'd definitely recognise a handful of them. I love all kinds of music.



Singer - I don't really listen to solo artists much, but I think Regina Spektor is amazing. As for men, I am partial to a bit of David Gray.



Song - At the moment, it's "We will become Silhouettes" by The Postal Service.



Film - So many. I'm a massive film nerd. Top 5 - High Fidelity, American Beauty, Anchorman, Juno, Serenity.



Food - Ben and Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Mmm.



Drink - I like to drink strawberry cider when I'm out, and just water when I'm in =)



Restaurant - Chiquitos, TGI Friday's and Nandos =)

Shop - When I was thinner I loved buying tops from H & M and customising them. At the moment Dorothy Perkins is my favourite for jeans and New Look for tops and bras.

Website - Twitter, because it helps me with networking and writing. Also because I do a little squee everytime a celebrity writes back to me.



Magazine - I read Empire religiously. I miss my girly magazines though. Haven't bought one for at least a year.

Sport - Rugby...men in tiny shorts. What's not to like?

Team - Harlequins, but only coz they used to practise right behind my window where I used to live in Twickenham. 3 o'clock was perve o'clock.



TV Programme - Too much. Lost, Flight of the Conchords, The Office, Extras, Buffy, Angel, Firefly, Dollhouse, Father Ted, Big Bang Theory, Black Books and so much more.



Place - My room, where I can just be me, and not worry. I also love to stroll around London. Gives me such a buzz I don't get anywhere else.

Season - I like them all. When I'm fat I like winter because I can cover up, but Summer does make me very happy =)

Beauty Product - Mascara, as I'm very blonde and look like I have no eyelashes without it.



Hair Product - Shockwaves Hair Mousse, without which I might never have stopped having hair like Meatloaf.

Make Up brand - Loreal Mascara, Rimmel liquid eyeliner, Mac pencil eyeliner. All I need.

Perfume - I do love Britney Spears Fantasy and Midnight Fantasy. So sue me. I also love Ralph by Ralph Lauren and that fruity Escada one they keep changing the name of...

WLC Week 2 Video

Thanks for watching!

Ps - Could anyone recommend a good nail strengthener? My nails all broke this week =(

WLC Week 2 =)

Hello peoples!

Tomorrow is actually my weigh in day so I'll be doing my video then. I think I've had a really good week, touch wood. I haven't craved anything; I've had what I wanted. At the same time I've noticed my portion sizes seriously decreasing and the amount of food I actually need to eat before I'm feeling full shocks me sometimes. I've barely snacked because I find it unsatisfying now, as it doesn't fill me up.

I think the key thing about this way of eating is that eating when you're truly hungry is the best metabolism stimulant there is. That's why breakfast is the most important meal of the day - even if you don't feel like it - because it completely kick-starts your body into burning off the calories. Even if you just have a couple of bites of an apple or something, it's better than nothing and WILL mean the pounds come off quicker.

I just though I'd let everyone know my weight...though I'm sinfully ashamed of it. Maybe I'll give you a breakdown of how much I've weighed in the past, and why I've got to where I am now, so you can understand it a little better (not that there's any excuse for letting yourself go the way I have).

At 15 years old I finished school, finally discovered hair mousse and eyeliner, and stopped looking like meatloaf. This was extremely liberating for me, so I started to do the detox diet as well, determined to make the most of myself. I started to walk everywhere and was far more active than I'd ever been. I was 13 stone 9lbs at my prom in February. By August, I was 11 stone 11lbs, and that is the lowest weight I've ever been in my adult life.



I went to college and started working at a cinema, keeping my weight quite steadily at 12 stone, which I actually felt very comfortable at. I had plenty of guys interested (well, not plenty, but the right ones) and I was very happy for a year or so. Then, the love of my life (still the love of my life) broke up with me and moved away. I went into mega rebound mode, ended up in a horrible relationship with a horrible guy, and my weight went up to around 14 stone 7lbs.


Once I finally got the courage to break up with him, I had a few months to enjoy being single, before getting into a relationship with a lovely guy called Paul. We were very good together for about 6 months and he treated me like the most beautiful girl in the world. However, I stopped caring about my weight because I was so happy. I remember vividly weighing myself when I got back from my gap year in Australia, and seeing that I weighed 15 stone 12lbs.


Things with Paul fizzled out, and I went to University. While at Uni I fluctuated between 14stone 12 to 15 stone 4. I went to the gym an awful lot in first year but couldn't seem to shift much weight. In my last month of first year, I stopped going, started eating absolute crap, and put on lots of weight.

When I got home for summer and stepped on the scales, I was horrified to see 16 Stone blinking back at me. I immediately started a diet called "The Idiot-proof Diet", mainly concerned with eating proteins and good fats. Within 2 months I was 13 and a half stone, and loving it. I had so much confidence and was loving buying new clothes. I know I still wasn't slim, but it felt fantastic. I got all the way down to 13 stone in 2nd year of uni.



Then I met my current boyfriend. As he completely accepted me and loved me, my resolve weakened daily, and I began to eat a LOT. I wasn't exactly happy with where my life was going, and come Christmas of 3rd year I had a massive fallout with my previously mentioned "best friend". By April, I was suddenly 17 stone 10lbs. I can't even explain how this happened. It was like I stopped paying attention, totally started comfort eating. I essentially gave up on myself. Seeing a picture of myself at my friend Frankie's birthday in June, I was pretty horrified to see how big I'd got.



I've pulled myself out of that now, having maintained that horrible weight for around 8 months. Last Wednesday, I was 17 stone 12lbs.

Let's see what tomorrow brings eh! And as per Cat's challenge, here is my favourite photo of myself, from when I was 20, and around 13 stone. Excuse the almost falling out booby, and the reflective jacket (it was builder night...)



Thanks for reading =)

xxx

To all make up bloggers!

I had an argument/debate with my mum last night about makeup. She feels that women/girls only wear makeup to appear attractive to other people. I mentioned all you makeup bloggers, and how for many of you it's a hobby/obsession (in a good way). She couldn't get her head around makeup use being fun, and in many ways an artistic/individualistic expression. So I wanted to ask (back me up here girls) why do you love makeup, and why do you wear it?

Why fruit juice and smoothies might be stopping your weight loss...

Hi Ladies,

I have a massive amount of dietary and nutrition knowledge. I know you wouldn't think it to look at me, but while I do know a great deal, my problem is actually applying it to my life. I just thought I'd share some of my info in case any of you are wondering about the right combinations of food to eat at mealtimes, whether something's as healthy as it seems, and the difference between good and bad fats etc.

This entry is about fruit juices and smoothies. I personally love apple juice, orange juice...pretty much any fruit juice. And I really love smoothies. Most people generally regard these drinks as being very healthy. Obviously, they're more healthy than a milkshake, but you should be careful not to drink too much in a week.

You know when you read the side of an Innocent Smoothie and it says the fruit that's gone into it, eg: 1 banana, 20 strawberries, 1 orange. It all sounds brilliant -
"Yay, 3 portions of my daily fruit and veg in a bottle!" - but I'm afraid the truth is a bit different.

The process to make fruit juice or smoothies is obviously to crush or blend the fruit. It's actually exponentially more healthy to eat the fruit as it comes, because the minute you change the natural form of a fruit it becomes refined. 'Refined' basically means that all the good sugar (fructose etc.) found in the fruit to begin with has been converted to sugar that will take a very long time for your body to break down. If your body's spending more time breaking down this refined sugar, it will take a lot longer to start working on the fat you're trying to get rid of.

In its natural form, fruit is of course extremely healthy (though veg is better, if you really want to split hairs). Likewise, a baked potato carries far, far less refined sugar than if you were to mash it. Mashed potato is actually the least healthy form you can have your potato in. Mad, I know.

Anyway, that was just a heads up. Hope I haven't bored you guys! If anyone's not sure about anything they're planning to eat and want to know if it's nutritionally sound, just give me an email and I'll let you know =) Hope I haven't patronised any of you, I just found this was an extremely important bit of information for me when I last hit a plateau with my weight loss. =)

Hope everyone's week is going well!

xxxx

Week 1 Video for the WLC =)

Quick question, ladies

Where do you all get your gorgeous templates from? My blog looks horrible at the moment and yours all look so nice =)
xxx

A little about me

Hello there! My name's Cat, I'm 22 and grossly overweight. I've started this blog because I've been feeling very "in a rut" lately. I graduated from University in the summer and since then have failed to do anything much with my life at all. I want to be a writer, and my degree was in creative writing, but obviously I couldn't just bang out a bestseller and become famous the minute I left Uni. Though that would've been nice...

Anyway, I finally feel a bit of inspiration and motivation creeping up inside me. This has been very rare of late so I feel extremely excited. I used to be so full of ideas and willpower but in the last 2 years it's all eeked away. I'm hoping to reclaim it from now on. 

There are a few reasons for my newfound motivation. One, I had an argument with my so-called best friend over facebook messaging tonight (because she's too scared of confrontation to pick up a phone), and it's finally made me realise that she is a bad friend. Full stop. I spend too much of my life worrying about her and keeping in contact with her when she doesn't seem to care one bit about me. So, fuck her. It feels incredibly liberating to label her as what I've always known she is, but ignored - a self involved, self righteous, and downright selfish arse candle.

As a result of this argument, I rang a good friend, who made me feel a lot better. I've been feeling fairly lonely at the moment as none of my best friends live around me anymore, but talking to Frankie totally kicked me out of feeling sorry for myself. I have some absolutely amazing friends, and just because they're not around doesn't mean that they don't care about me. Frankie actually made me feel worth something for once. And as a result, I feel it's worth holding onto that feeling for as long as I can, and making something positive out of it.

Finally, I stumbled upon a fabulous blog under a different blogger account that I use, http://catslittleobsessions.blogspot.com

Her weight loss challenge post and video completely inspired me to finally get off my arse and make the most of myself. It's too late for me to join in officially, so unofficially I will be keeping up with it on here. I think it's a brilliant idea and she's a wonderful lady for wanting to help so many people. There should be more people like her =) There's too much bitchiness around where weightloss is concerned. It's entirely refreshing to see someone who really cares, and doesn't judge.

So she said to post 3 things we like about ourselves. As my webcam is currently out of action, I will quickly blog them here, and then hopefully fix it in time to do a vid for tomorrow =) It feels good to be doing this, and doing in entirely for myself. 

So!

Number 1: I like my hair. It's massive and frizzy and a pain. It's always out of control and tends to look like an electrocuted poodle on occasion. But no one else has hair like it - it's my identity and it's my way of standing out. Everyone always remembers me because of my hair, even if they've only ever seen me once. 

Number 2: I do like my writing. I don't do enough of it lately but I feel I write well, with a strong voice. I loved my creative writing degree and miss it terribly. 

Number 3: I like that I'm generally a very happy and optimistic person, who is always wanting to help her friends. Even if I'm not having a particularly great day, I won't take it out on others. 

Whew! That was hard, but felt quite good. I feel really inspired tonight. I hope tomorrow will be a much better day, though today has certainly ended on a high note. =) The picture at the top is meant to be at the bottom...but I'm not that skilled at blogger so I don't know how to do it. Gah!

xxx