Doctors and Seeing Double

Alreet?

I've had one little fucker of a fortnight. 2 weeks ago on my drive into work I was merrily chugging along, not really paying much attention (it was 7am, sue me) and singing along to Spandau Ballet on the radio. My car still has a cassette player so I'll take what I'm given!

Anywho, I started to go down a long, windy and very narrow country lane when I noticed there was a cyclist in front of me. Then suddenly there were 2 cyclists in front of me. And instead of 2 lanes, there were 4! Exciting stuff right? Erm, no. I was seeing double of EVERYTHING more than 10 yards ahead of me. I was already halfway to work and found that if I closed one eye, the double vision went away. So I drove on to work, rang the doctors, and my boss took me for an emergency appointment.

After spending 6 hours in eye casualty (which I had no idea existed) I was eventually told - Yes you have double vision. No we don't know why. No we can't offer any treatment. Come back on Friday for an MRI.

Awesome.

They also dilated my pupils and neglected to mention that the minute I stepped outside the hospital I would feel like the sun was burning out my retinas. So that was cool.

Long and short of it - I couldn't walk anywhere because walking made me feel queasy. I obviously couldn't drive. I couldn't look at computer screens (and thus couldn't go to work - poor me...) and I couldn't work out!!!

I've just slaved for 3 months with a personal trainer, been referred to several doctors for eating problems, and eventually got around to losing 2 stone and feeling healthier than I've felt in years.

Over the past two weeks, I have put back on one of those stones. I am so, so pissed off. Luckily my vision is getting back to normal but I'm feeling so bummed that one time in 3 years I've actually had the motivation and inspiration to really do something for me, my body decides it'll throw me a spectacular curveball. I can't blame my eyes for everything obviously, but being miserable and ill made me regress to the person who eats her feelings and mega-binges, just to feel something other than fed up.

I am so tired of this cycle =( I have an appointment tomorrow with an eating disorder assessor, who thinks I may have binge eating disorder. Yes, this is a real disorder! Google it bitches. I looked it up and I have to say it sounds a lot like me.

There's two forms of treatment - anti depressants or CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I really hope that if I am diagnosed, they recommend me CBT. The way I view food and my relationship with it stinks. If I can see someone who might be able to make me change this relationship and the underlying reasons why I binge, I'm all for it. I'm a little worried and also a little excited.

I am however, going to feel a right dick walking into an eating disorder centre at 17 stone.

Sorry for the rant. I haven't told my friends about this and my bf only knows a little, because I'm ashamed and because I just try to push things like this to the back of my mind.

Update soon!

xxx

She's...aliiiiiiiive!

Hello 22 followers! It's been a while I must say.

Lately I've been really feeling the urge to blog again - not about anything in particular and not really for anyone else. I feel like my life is about to become quite uncertain and take a big leap pretty soon, so I wanted to start my blog again to clarify and record what's going on right now.

I work for the office for national statistics (them what did the census, innit) in a fairly well paid job for someone with a creative writing degree. My contract is up at the end of September and at that point I have to decide whether to stay at ONS (but go down 3 grades and take a massive 6k paycut) or, essentially, fuck off to London and take my chances.




I'm desperate to get into publishing in London. Books are my love and writing is my passion. No other career grabs me at all and I just want to be doing something I really care about. Unfortunately, publishing is one of the very hardest careers to get into - you must have work experience but publishing work experience is incredibly hard to come by! I have sent off at least 30 submissions for work experience alone and heard diddly squat back. So I think the answer might just be to go to London, stay in my parent's flat, camp out outside alternate publishers everyday and brandish my CV in every person who walks out of there's face. They may not like me but hey, they'll definitely remember me.




I still feel held back by my weight too, which is going nowhere fast. I am in a constant cycle of lose a stone, put on a stone, lose a stone, put on a stone. Thankfully I've not gone over the 18 stone mark and am maintaining pretty well (and have been for 3 years) but I am so not comfortable at this weight. I recently started seeing a personal trainer who has been making a real difference in the way I view exercise, so I am at least far healthier than I've been for a long time.

I'm just waiting for that miracle moment that I know I need, for something in my brain to click and for me to suddenly have that intense motivation and drive that I had before when I lost 4 stone. I know it's inside me but it hasn't pushed its way to the surface for years. I miss feeling like I can do anything!




So there we go, a little update. I may do a weekly weigh in and little posts here and there, but I think the reason I stopped blogging was because I really didn't know what to write about. I'm really not a makeup guru (my make up is the same every day) but I love reading the make up blogs and I do buy shit loads of it, I'm not a fashionista but I buy a hell of a lot of clothes and shoes, and I'm obviously not a fitness expert as I'm tipping the scales! I'm just going to blog for me and hope that people find it interesting.

Adios amigos ;-)