Self-pitying ramble. Feel free to ignore.

I'm annoyed with myself that I haven't posted a WLC post this week. Fact is, I've lost my motivation. Seemingly for everything. I am SO fed up. I've got a degree, and I work a job a 17 year old could do. I've wanted to lose weight ever since I was 16, and I keep fucking it up. Oh, and my best friend doesn't even seem to want to know me anymore.

It's the thing with my best friend that hurts me the most, and makes me the most apathetic. Where originally it made me feel angry, and thankfully I turned that anger into motivation, now I just feel upset and kind of listless. How do I summon up any kind of self worth to change myself if someone I've known for 10 years decides I'm not worth bothering with, and that she'd rather spend all her time with her boyfriend and new friends? I feel like I'm just not a good enough person to want to change myself, because she's made me feel that way. Maybe I should just climb in the fridge and stay there.

I feel all this desire to change my eating habits, change my lifestyle, but then I just seem to sink back into the same bad routine every time. I can't seem to keep up a diet any longer than a month without cracking. And for what? It's just food. Just something that tastes nice, that lasts a minute and then it's gone. So why do I stop myself being happy just for a bite of chocolate or a slice of pizza? It makes NO sense. When my motivation's up, the little voice in my head is deafened by my common sense and willpower, and I can say no to just about anything. Then as the weeks go by my resolve weakens, and the little voice in my head that tells me to eat all the fecking time seems to be deafening.

I realise that last paragraph made me sound a little bit mental. I don't have mental problems, I hope everyone understood what I meant by the little voice in my head. The part of me that essentially, doesn't give a shit, and just wants chocolate.

And my degree! I have a 2:1 from a London University, and because Uni made me so poor and I graduated in a recession in June etc I'm working 22 and a half hours a week for the government, ringing people up to do shitty surveys, being supervised by people who definitely don't have degrees and definitely won't ever leave this town. I miss London so badly - the buzz, the fact there's always something going on or something new to see. I miss walking through the streets and feeling completely at home. Can't stand the small-town mentality of where I live. 10% of people in my town voted BNP last election. That's how ignorant the people who live around me are.

But as the months have gone on, my will to change things, my will to get back to London and start a real career...well it just seems to ebb away every day I don't get away from this place. Every day I don't lose weight. And every day my best friend doesn't want to know me.

Something's got to change but for the life of me, I don't know how to do it and I don't know what to do. All I know is I'm sad, and I'm not used to being sad. Sorry for being so negative and self-involved. Sometimes I just have to write stuff down, and I'm afraid I don't have anywhere else to do it. Hope everyone has a lovely day.